When my husband walked through the door, I burst into tears which had been building all day. I asked him not to “fix” my pain, but to just hold me and let me share my disappointment with him. I think the amount of tears stunned him into doing the guy thing complete with a pep talk and telling me I was going to prove my surgeon wrong etc. He was trying to help, but it made me feel worse. I felt very alone in my grief.
This morning I woke up and knew that in order to survive the next 12 weeks, I was going to have to re-enter my Zen mode of survival which I used during my 6 weeks of complete non weight bearing recovery period. During that time, I can remember pulling into myself and learning to listen to my thoughts and emotions. I was in my own little world since I had no power to enter the world of moving, active people. My personal thoughts and emotions became more real to me than the outside world that I watched from my windows. I was completely dependent on others for all of my needs, even my basic needs.
To try to achieve a partial Zen like sate I started out my day with a 90 minute massage and a good conversation with my massage therapist. Turns out that she is also a psychologist and understood exactly what I was trying to accomplish with my massage.
I have now re-entered my Zen mode, slowing my life down once again. It won’t be as intense as it was during my complete non weight bearing period, but this peaceful state of mind will prove to be just as useful.
I am slowly letting go of my fall plans and tonight I was even able to deal with the fact that I will be missing quite a few of the Vikings home games. Our season tickets are 8 rows off the field and there is no way I can handle the steps or the amount of walking it would take to attend. I have already started planning on who to give the tickets to, and have even enjoyed thinking about how the different people might find joy in attending a Vikings game.